An Open Letter to the Kind Non-gender Specific Person in the Prius

First off,  I want to sincerely thank you for giving me guidance on how I should conduct myself. 

As you sped past me on the highway in your shiny new Prius, just to cut into the Yugo sized slot between my car and the semi truck in front of me,  I was granted the wonderful opportunity to study your philosophy and political leanings up close.  You see, they are posted quite prominently all over the posterior of your conveyance for all to see.

I am not quite sure where to start, so I will go right to left. In this case, lets go left to further left as there apparently is no "right".   No Prius in Southern California is complete without the "Obama 08" bumper sticker, which in this case you didn't disappoint.  It is right there complemented by the "Republicans Suck" sticker posted so cleverly underneath it.  I guess this should have been a clear indicator of our time together.

Whoa.  You were too busy talking on your cell to notice traffic had slowed, so you have slammed on the brakes.  I am glad I wasn't too engrossed in the reading to notice your car is on the verge of doing a nose wheelie.  I hope you didn't spill your grande chai latte.  How you have managed to hold that and your cell while steering is a feat in itself.

Now that I have installed myself a safe distance behind you, I will continue my reading.  NPR was getting boring anyways since Mannheim Steamroller is on a constant loop.

Moving towards the center is your "Coexist" sticker.  Bright purple with all the clever religious symbols supplanting the letters of the alphabet.  This is a current popular one.  I can see by your nose piercing and black lipstick you are a progressive sort.  It is easy to see these features since you are now off the phone putting this lipstick on in your rear view mirror at 65 miles per hour on a congested LA freeway.  In the rain.

I guess I should hit the license plate frame now.  How clever.  "I'm Not Self Absorbed, I Am Just Perfect".  Wow.  I am glad you were able to clarify that.  While I was reading that, you changed lanes twice, but somehow ended up back in front of me.  Now the space you wedged yourself into had shrunk to "Segway" sized but that wasn't stopping you.  I am so glad my brakes work, and the horn.  Yup.  Black fingernail polish. You confirmed it with the raised middle finger.  You are truly talented to be able to flip me off while still clutching your fancy brown cigarette.

Now, onto the right hand side.  UC Berkley Alum, eh?  I would have never guessed that.    Only one sticker left to go.  Looks like you have another phone call, so I think I have time to read this one too.  Wow.  "Free Manning, Jail Cheney".  How timely!  Is there a liberal bumper sticker factory in your neighborhood?  I am glad that was the last one, as the "No Littering" sticker would probably seem silly since your still lit clove cigarette almost flew in my car after you carelessly flicked it out the window.  I can literally smell the cloves.

Well,  My exit is approaching, so I am going to have to say goodbye.  I have truly enjoyed the time we have spent, so closely, together.  I am sure I will be seeing you in the comments section on the Hufffington Post.

The Destructive Beauty of Self-importance

The internet and Reality television have made some things just too damn easy.

In the past, it took true diligence, good luck, and undeniable talent in order to make it big. For every Hemingway, there has been six or more authors relegated to obscurity by poor luck, poor ideas, or any combination thereof. For each Streep there was a Snooki who was gratefully left behind.  Fame was a commodity which was hard to come across, and it had to be earned.

The Internet has changed that.  Now, any monkey with a keyboard or a webcam can self -publish their thoughts and ramblings for the entire world to consume.  This has led to an over abundance of both material and opinion which is freely available to anyone with a search engine and serious time to kill.  Now the insignificant internal ramblings of a self-obsessed narcissist are simply a mouse-click away.  Reality TV and YouTube have pushed the scariest of the lot into the immediate public view, and their terrifying personalities and thoughts have tagged along for the ride.

When the veneer of mystique is stripped away from ones private lives and thoughts we quickly realize that the facade that is perpetuated through marketing and promotion are a sort of prestidigitation that transforms a completely inconsequential persona into a publicity generating machine.  Reality television has just reinforced this concept, and social media has given an easy outlet to the mess in that would normally be contained in their own heads.  The blogsphere has decided to favor twitter rankings over fact checking; shamelessly aiding the fame addicted and their cliques drive their presence into the frontal lobe of the ever willing public.

When these personas manage to spill into the forefront of public view, they consume attention with a ravenous hunger which grows steadily.  As their popularity increases, so does their self-importance.  They suddenly come into possession of a level of knowledge much superior to yours, as evident by their ability to have their incoherent ramblings published by the beast that was formerly known as the free press which now serves as a launching pad for the next big thing.

With Lady Gaga professing an innate understanding of the US Military to forward her opinions on DADT, to Tom Cruise's achievements in the pursuit of psychiatric treatments we should all be better informed regarding the current state of the world around us.  I am heartened to know that my congress takes advice from a lady in a meat suit.  If Jim Carrey's wife says that immunizations cause autism, I should listen to her; polio be damned.  A baby's first steps are overrated anyways.

The line between fact and fiction grows thinner by the day.  "News" sites pop up on the web each day, each with their own political flavor and variety of the truth.  The media consuming public is ill served by these panderers of propaganda, which often disguises the real truth behind a cloak of self-righteousness and ego driven political beliefs.  When Michael Moore is the most unbiased contributor they have, you just know the Huffington Post isn't walking a straight line.  I would be better served getting my news from the gentleman in LA with the hot dog suit on.

As I learned at a young age after visiting the local military recruiter, Caveat Emptor applies to nearly everything in life.  Never believe anything you read until you can fact check it.

Especially if it comes from a chick in a g-string with a meat bra.